WARNING: If you decide you're going to read this, brace yourself. I'm about to go off on a random spur of the moment tangent based solely on my current emotional state. Viewer discretion is advices.
We'll start with a question:
Why is it that I can accept that 2 1/2 years ago I joined the Navy somedays, and other days I sit in my car crying my eyes out after a 14hr shift where I have everyone I work with repeatedly reminding me that "this is just a normal day here at 103"? Damn, and realizing that this is my life for the next 3 years isn't sitting right in my tummy. Naturally, I'm an emotional person by default. This was discovered when I was just a young little lassie, but for the last 2 1/2 years I think I've been pretty unbearable to be around. My sensitivity level sky rocketed, and is just chilling in the galaxy of "please let me out of the navy". I'm in dire need of some good news, or a surprise. Like now. Something has gotta change quick, because I'm spooked that I may loose it. It's like every bad thing just feeds on the other, and I get anxious or mad really quickly. Then I don't even remember why I'm angry, so I get embarrassed, thats how this tornado of emotions is born. I really like taking situations that upset me, and flip them so its funny, it helps me cope with the stress. Lately I'll just type it in a note on my iphone, and go back and read them weeks later and crack up laughing all by my lonesome. I wish I could share half of this crap on my blog, but its a bit too personal, and would take me forever to post all of it. Sooooooooo.
In a nutshell, I'd say truthfully that I'm about 97.6% sure I'm depressed. Being so young, and doing something you absolutely hate because you swore to do it really takes apart of you. A huge part, I mean that part I use to love about myself. It's gone. 2 1/2 years later, and I'm still wondering what happened to me. I'm really sad, simple as that. I hide it pretty well, I must say. Being a huge goof isn't a cover up, but at the end of the day being goofy doesn't help the fact that I feel trapped in someone else's world. I feel really bad for my sister (my best friend) because she gets most of it (all of it). If I need to cry, I call her. If I need to laugh, I call her. She listens, and pretty much tells me to tighten up. However, like most "civilians" she doesn't understand the severity of my stress, so it's kinda pointless in the end. All in all I just want to feel youthful again verses so much pressure to do EVERYTHING right.
Other than family, I don't really have a support system. I have friends. Everyone has friends. If you don't have friends, then you're probably not alive. So that really is scary. Anyways. Most of my friends are actually in the Navy. The Navy has this neat way of sucking harder than Hilter's existence, but introducing beautiful people into your life simultaneously. Having friends in the Navy helps, times 6 million. They understand what I'm going through, and probably feel the same way I do. Probably. Other friends, like "hometown" friends always say the wrong things at the wrong time, and I try my absolute hardest to shut them out. Really horrible thing to say, but after working 9 1/2 hrs with NO food, the last thing I want to do is read a text asking me to do something for you. Whens the last time you even asked me how I am doing? I AM TOTALLY DIRECTING THIS TOWARD SOMEONE. Stop doing that, Diamond. I guess my problem is that my textile definition of the word "friend" is based off tv sitcoms like The Golden Girls and…Friends? So i should probably lower my standards a tad bid. Those people aren't real. Real people don't care that much. Which is why I'm convinced I'm not human, because I care entirely too much. I'm my own worst enemy in the most literal form of the statement.
Also, I basically just sit around in my room, at work, in the grocery store thinking of what I "wish" I could be doing. I honest to God don't have a clue as to what exactly it is, that I'd rather be doing, but a girl can day dream. I mean I left home, BAM, accomplished that. Left the good old "turtles nest" and out in the dark sea of life. BUT excuse me if I missed the memo, but what's next again? What's next for me? Or is this it. This couldn't be it. If so, then what is the god damn point? I mean I did this right? I signed the contract, and gave my life to the government. Who am I to be all pissy on an internet site complaining about how miserable i am. Right? WRONG. I've held my tongue for too long, and that's were this aggression is coming from. My brain is like a god damn volcano, it's erupting onto this blog at 1:06am. Not to completely contradict myself, but I'm not ashamed of myself at all. I've accomplished so much. I love the fact that I'm "serving my country", its a beautiful feeling. It's just not for me, and I'm obligated to live the most uncomfortable life. It's impossible. I can't believe I've done it for this long. Good on me... (dots)
Not to mention I've had the same coat of baby blue polish on my toe nails since November.
Uhhhh, I'm going to bed.
